Indian Philosophy

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner..... who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Kumar said ,'Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'

So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...


Lesson of the day:
Don't Lie to Your Mother...........

Good one!

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase?

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary !!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing$ mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of your worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

$incerely Your$,

Marian $hih



The next day, the employee received a nice reply like this :


Dear Marian

I kNOw that you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into a NOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

This is why we love old people

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well , as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I 'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'

The Blonde Teacher

A blonde gets a job as a teacher

She notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him

'You ok?' she says

'Yes' he says

'You can play with the other kids you know' she says

'It's best I stay here' he says

'Why?' says the blonde

The boy says 'Because I am the goalie'

Management talk - Hidden meanings

1. "We will do it" means "You will do it"

2. "You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

3. "We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

4. "Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"

5. "After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

6. "There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

7. "Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

8. "We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

9. "We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10. "We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"

11. "Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12. "You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

13. "We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14. "Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble"

18." For Your Information (FYI)- means this is my job but you have to finish it. Don't let me remind you again"

Marketing Made Easy

Could it get any clearer than these?

A Professor was explaining marketing concepts to the students.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!"
"That's Direct Marketing"

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says:
"He's very rich. "Marry him."
"That's Advertising"

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me"
"That's Telemarketing"

You're at a party and see gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her
and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)
for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her ride and then say:
"By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?"
"That's Public Relations"

You're at a party and see gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says:
"You are very rich! "Can you marry me?"
"That's Brand Recognition"

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
"That's Customer Feedback"

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:
"I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.
"That's demand and supply gap, do your market survey first"

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and before you say anything,
another person come and tell her:
"I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him.
"That's competition eating into your market share"

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and before you say:
"I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives.
"That's restriction for entering new markets"

Best Out-of-Office Reply

I am away from the office.

Your emails will be handled as follows:

Korean Name

1. Your first name is your last number of your year of birth:

Example: 1977 is 7 = Lee

0: Park
1: Kim
2: Shin
3: Choi
4: Song
5: Kang
6: Han
7: Lee
8: Sung
9: Jung

2. Your Middle name is your month of birth:

Example: Februari is 2 = Ji

1: Yong
2: Ji
3: Je
4: Hye
5: Dong
6: Sang
7: Ha
8: Hyo
9: Soo
10: Eun
11: Hyun
12: Rae

3. Your last name is your date of birth:

Example: 23 = Ki

1: Hwa
2: Woo
3: Joon
4: Hee
5: Kyo
6: Kyung
7: Wook
8: Jin
9: Jae
10: Hoon
11: Ra
12: Bin
13: Sun
14: Ri
15: Soo
16: Rim
17: Ah
18: Ae
19: Neul
20: Mun
21: In
22: Mi
23: Ki
24: Sang
25: Byung
26: Seok
27: Gun
28: Yoo
29: Sup
30: Won
31: Sub

Now, you have your Korean Name... Unique isn't it?

Invaluable Advice

Take 2 minutes and read through this; you will be amazed at what you can learn!

Bed Sheets
After drying sheets, put both sheets and one pillowcase in the other pillow case. Fold neatly in a square. Next time you change sheets, you just take the one pillow case and all the sheets and pillow case are inside. No need to look for matches.

Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a non-stick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.

Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

Broken Glass
Use a dry cotton ball to pick up little broken pieces of glass - the fibers catch ones you can't see!

Easier thank you's
When you throw a bridal/baby shower, buy a pack of thank you cards for the guest of honor. During the party, pass out the envelopes and have everyone put their address on one. When the bride/new mother sends the thank you's, they're all addressed!

Name tag
If you purchase a new bike for your child, place their picture inside the handle bar before placing the grips on. If the bike is stolen and later recovered, remove the grip and there is your proof who owns the bike.

Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and -- voila -- static is gone.

Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry the cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.

Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser!
Works better than a cloth!

Reopening envelope
If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Voila! It unseals easily.

Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...

Good-bye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2 with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' & can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, esp. if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

Take baby powder to the beach
Keep a small bottle of baby powder in your beach bag. When you're ready to leave the beach sprinkle yourself and kids with the powder and the sand will slide right off your skin.

Have you learnt something today?

Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

New Trainee

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded:

"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back:

"And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....

How to save papayas from falling

The Gentle Art of Persuation

Upon graduation [from college], I wanted to teach. When a position opened at Princeton (New Jersey) High School, I went for it. I had no idea what I was getting into or how it could help shape my life.

I was to teach English and reading, including one remedial class. No one told me that the previous teacher had been beaten up and left bleeding in his car. I didn't learn till later that a woman teacher the year before had been dangled by her ankles from the second-floor window. This was a class that chewed up teachers and spit them out.

"Nonacademic general students," these were seniors, anything but college-bound. I thought they'd enjoy true-life action, so I gave each student a copy of a book on men and war called God Is My Co-Pilot. It was 8:05 in the morning and I was not quite twenty-two years old.

A minute later a huge black kid named Pete stood and ceremoniously ripped the paperback in half. "I an't readin' this crap," he said, and let the pages flutter to the floor. The rest of the students, every one of them, immediately followed suit.

Now what? I wasn't going to be able to beat up thirty kids, much as I would have liked to. And if I sent them to the principal's office I would expose myself as a wimpy disciplinarian. Talk about motivation!~ I had no clue, no training. The class looked at me with defiance, as if daring me to do anything.

In sheer desperation I pointed to Pete and called him Jack. "What's your thing, Jack?" I said.

He glared and narrowed his eyes. "Huh"?

"What do you do for a living that makes you good enough to rip up a man's book?"

"Mechanic," he said.

"Is that right?" I said. "An auto mechanic?"

He nodded. "Best in town."

"No kidden? What if I told you I don't believe a word you said?"

"'Bout what? I am a mechanic."

"About being the best in town."

"Ask anybody."

"How about you prove it?"

"Like how?"

"Well, I'll tell you what. Since you don't want to read any books, you're on tomorrow."

"On what?"

"You're the teacher," I said. "You bring a carburetor in here and teach this class. If you're the best, you ought to be able to teach us what you do."

"You kidden' me?"

I stared him down, shaking my head.

"You got it," he said.

I should have been suspicious the next day when he showed up with a carburetor -- still dripping gas -- wrapped in a newspaper. It didn't hit me where he'd gotten it until I overheard another teacher later in the day complaining that something was missing from his engine.

Pete didn't wait for an introduction. He strode to the front, told me to sit down, and plopped the carburetor on the table. "Everybody shut up!" he said.

I never understood or cared much about auto mechanics until Pete began. Suddenly, in his area of expertise, he was eloquent. He spoke with passion and knowledge. He not only knew his stuff, but he was also able to explain it.

Afterward I told him how well he had done and asked what he knew about race car carburetion. "I don't know, 'cept it's different."

"Find out and you'll be on again next month."

"I don't have no race cars to work on."

"I don't care where you find out. Try the library."

He swore. "I ain't been to no library and I ain't goin' to no library."

"I don't care where you get your information, but find out and teach us."

I asked another kid, who said he was a pool player, to demonstrate for us. I brought in a small pool table, and this guy, who was flunking his math classes, told us more about angles and drag and friction than I had ever know. I challenged him to study up on some of the great pool players for his second presentation. One of the girls talked about her work in a local bakery. One of the hill kids told about trapping.

On Fridays I talked about morality and ethics and demonstrated what I new of the martial arts so that kids would now who was really in charge. For the first thirty class days, I didn't do much of anything but listen to the kids talk about what they enjoyed the most.

When it was Pete's turn again, he showed up with note cards. I had said nothing about note cards. "What are you going with those?"

"That lady in the library said they would help my presentation," he said. "You know they got a whole section on automotive down there? Now you want me to teach or what?"

Eventually, each student taught twice. Meanwhile, I was ordering books on their areas of interest. Soon they were reading and writing, two things I had said little about. Pete began carrying around a pocket dictionary, badgering me about any word he didn't recognize. He would up going to Central State in Ohio.

Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuation, George Thompson and Jerry Jenkins

Listen for the laughter of fools

When the wise man learns the Way,
He tries to live by it.
When the average man learns the Way
He lives by only part of it.
When the fool learns the Way
He laughs at it.


Yet if the fool did not laugh,
It would not be the Way.
Indeed, if you are seeking the Way,
Listen for the laughter of fools.

~ Lao Tzu.

Men Are Just Happier People

Your last name stays put..
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughters birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's displayed in the window?'

The sales person asks 'Which one do you mean,Sir?

We have: Work out Barbie $19.95, Disco Barbie $19.95, Shopping Barbie $19.95, Astronut Barbie $19.95, Skater Barbie $19.95, Ballerina Barbie $19.95 and Divorced Barbie $265.95

The amazed father asks : It's what? 'Why is Divorced barbie $265.95 and the other ones are $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes,sigh, and answers: Sir.......,
Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture,Ken's Computer and one of Ken's friends.