Human Bomb

Computer Games

When I was managing an office, I instituted a rule that there would be no playing games on our computers.

So I wouldn't be a hypocrite, I had a computer specialist get rid of the games on my laptop along with all the others in the office.

Therefore, I was surprised to find my grandson playing Solitaire on it one weekend. I asked if he had loaded the game.

"No," he answered, "it was already there. It was just hidden - taken off the Main Menu."

On Monday, I chided the computer specialist for not getting rid of the game.

"But," he explained, "I thought I just had to keep it away from you - not from a nine year-old."

Blonde at School

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."

Blondie buy TV

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"

The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was.
He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was.
He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"

"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."

Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in  his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating  grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out  to investigate.

He asked one man 'Why are you eating  grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor  man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well,  then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the  lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children  with me. They are over there, under that tree'.

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other  poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'

The  second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a  wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the  lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy  task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once  underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and  said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us  with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll  really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!'

The priest and the bus driver

A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them.

He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well.

Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true guaranteed."

The priest says, "Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!"

St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?"

St. Peter just laughs and says "The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!"

Ghost's Talk

Two ghosts met and both chat about how they died.

1st ghost : How u died?
2nd ghost : I died of cold.

1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold?
2nd ghost : Actually, I was accidentally locked in the refrigerator.
Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died suffocating.

1st ghost : Wow what a horrible way to die....
2nd ghost : How about you? How u die?

1st ghost : I died from heart attack.
2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?

1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man.

One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone.

I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing.

Because of all that running, I got a heart attack and died.

2nd ghost : Why you never look for the bastard in the fridge? The bastard was hiding there. We both might be alive now!!